happydog1960: (Default)
[personal profile] happydog1960
There are some things that are not recoverable for me. They are my personal equivalent of the swastika. Yes, we all know that the swastika is a good luck symbol in many cultures around the world, and originally represents the sun and its rays, but the symbol has been so damaged that  it is non-recoverable. Certain things are like that for me.

I was trying to listen to the most recent "Elemental Castings" and I had to stop because I cannot get past my reaction to the word "queer." Queer, to me, is a hate word. In high school and especially in junior high, I was bullied a lot, and one of the words most often used to bully me was the word "queer." I have no positive connotations for that word and I cannot reclaim it. For me, the word has the same weight and ugliness as "n****r." To hear people saying it over and over doesn't make it better, it makes it worse; I become unable to hear what the person is saying due to a rising tide of anger and shame, an inner voice that screams "STOP SAYING THAT," whether I want it to or not. I can't recontextualize it or make it better in my mind. I can't fix it. The word is an abomination to me.

One of the other things that is hard for me is teasing. I do not come from a family who teases. My family does not tease each other or other people at all. They never have. The first time I ran into teasing was in school, and I didn't understand it and had no response. But it was used to harm, mock and belittle. Teasing was used as a weapon on me. It hurt a lot, and still does. Unless I have a really clear context for teasing, that is, unless I am looking you in the face and I know you are joking, I react badly to teasing. I don't know how to take it. I react to it by withdrawing, as I did in school, or by lashing out in anger, which I also did when I was driven to extremes and I couldn't escape the teasing. That happened a lot more than I want to talk about.

This is how I am. I don't make any apologies for how I am. I have reasons to be the way I am. I don't expect the world to cater to my flaws, but I want to explain why I don't do these things. I think that no matter what I say, people are going to use the word "queer," and I will always flinch and withdraw. I will never be absolutely sure what to say or do when someone teases me, especially in a context where I can't see your face. And honestly, even if I can see your face, even if I can see you smiling, there will be a part of me that will not read your smile as friendship; it will be read as the kind of smile that junior high and high school bullies get on their faces when they realize they have found a victim. Not the smile of a friend, but the smirk of a bully.

I don't know why I am laying this out in public, but I felt like I had to. I don't expect the world to change to accommodate me. But I want people to know why I react the way I do.
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


happydog1960: (Default)

December 2012

234567 8
9 101112131415
232425 26272829

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 11:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios